For the Love of Milk: A Trialogue

Q: Our dear wabisabi mother breastfed her four children during a time when almost no one else was doing it - a time when doctors encouraged mothers to use formula because it was healthier for the child and gave the mother more freedom (though doctors are supposedly "experts," this proves the wisdom in questioning those in authority and doing your own research!). Now it has become practically common knowledge (as it once was) that the breast is best.

M: I like the bonding breastfeeding promotes, but in all honesty, I would rather not be a nursing mother. Having to be the sole provider of nourishment is a lot of pressure! If I ever want to go out, I have to plan ahead to have enough milk pumped for little Olive. I worry about leaking and those stupid breastpads always show through my bras. Not to mention that leaky boobs pose a slight inconvenience when doing certain activities with my husband, if you know what I mean. And my nipples--oh, my nipples. Often very sore and chaffed.

But I know the research and I know how important it is for my baby to receive the health benefits found only in breastmilk. And so I press on...

Q: What a trooper! In addition to the mental and physical health benefits of breastfeeding, isn't it also nice to NOT have to pay for formula? I'm all for FREE stuff! But M brings up a good point because though breastfeeding is the best option for both mother and infant, it is not always the easiest thing to do, and many women never get the support they need to be successful.

D: Thank goodness for lactation consultants! I'm not sure I would have been successful with breastfeeding without one or without my very loving and supporting husband. As I look back now, I can't believe that I hesitated at all in hiring a lactation consultant to come to my home. Now we are going on our 16th month of breastfeeding!

As I look back at my breastfeeding experience, I can relate a lot to what M described but now that I am nursing after the 12 month mark, I don't feel that pressure anymore, don't need breastpads, the nipples stopped hurting loooong ago, and I feel like the bond that my daughter and I share from nursing is stronger now than in her first year of life (since it seems like it is the only time I get to cuddle her in her active pursuits of walking and learning). And it is actually an extra comfort to me in knowing that she is getting valuable nutrition when her toddler appetite (or lack of) makes me worry a little about if she is getting enough to eat.

Although some people may raise an eyebrow that you are nursing past the first year, you don't have to feel like you are the only one. I attended several La Leche League meetings and witnessed the vibrant community of nursing mothers and several meetings available both during the day, the evening, for mothers or babies under 12 months and mothers of babies older than 12 months. LLL provides excellent support and may get you over some of the humps of wanting to quit breastfeeding earlier than you might have originally planned.

M: It is so key to receive support when breastfeeding. I've never been to an LLL meeting, but I did meet with a lactation consultant about a week after Olive was born. It made all the difference! You'd think breastfeeding is easy enough--just put that babe up to your nipple and she'll start sucking away--but for many it's not so. It's actually a learned art. Thank goodness I had this lactation consultant, two nursing sisters, a mom and a supportive husband to help me along the way.

D: For me, breastfeeding just made sense - I quit my job to stay at home full time when my daughter was born, am too cheap to buy expensive formula, and had read too much about the benefits of breastfeeding to go any other route. However, for some other mothers, it may not make as much sense but that doesn't mean that it isn't worth it. Breastfeeding can definitely have its challenges and although it is one of the most natural acts in the world, it is not always easy. So we encourage all future mamas to make the choice now that you will breastfeed your baby and not to be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Get recommendations on lactation consultants in your area or contact the local La Leche League. Don't feel guilty if you don't automatically (or ever) enjoy it but at least try it and try to stick with it for as long as you can! Some breastfeeding is better than none and more is even better!

Trialogue: For the Love of Dad

The dynamic duo: wabisabi mom and wabisabi dad

Q: Given the subject matter of our blog, it is understandable (though perhaps not quite forgivable?) that we spend the majority of our time focusing on motherhood and all its glories.

M: However, with Father's Day just around the corner (tomorrow, ladies--don't forget!), we would be remiss if we didn't honor our wabisabi dad.

Q: There is no doubt that dads are important in the life of a child. They leave an impression.

D: Grandpas too! The lives of our little ones are so much fuller with these men.

Wabisabi Grandpa with granddaughter #2

Q: Dads are lucky because they often get to be the "fun one." Growing up in our house, Mom was the one home all day holding down the fort, doing the majority of the disciplining, and Dad got to come home and be the novelty. But the truth is, he was also just a fun guy. He loves to laugh and play and joke around. Many Monday family nights turned into Razzle Frazzle - Dad's own invention where he crawled around on all fours and tried to fend off tickle attacks from all us kids. It was always a hit.

M: I believe he learned that game at "Daddy School," the answer he always gave when we kids asked, "How'd you know how to do that?" I think that's where he learned all of his jokes, too. Like the one when I would ask for a tissue and he would respond, "Tissue? Why I hardly know you!" It actually took me years to figure out what he meant by that.

Dad, a lover of meat, sharing a meal with wabisabi brother (also shamefully neglected on this blog, but we love him, too!)

D: Our dad was also the "soft" one. When I wanted something like money for a movie ticket or permission to go to some sort of activity, I could always count on my dad's answer, "Sure! I don't see why not..." He was also good for cuddles - I remember one time being at church and being so tired that my dad held me in his lap with my head resting on his shoulder while I fell into a deep sleep and drooled all over him. And he didn't even complain about the huge, wet mark on his suit.

A new young father (with MamaQ).  Check out the hi-fi and tape deck!

Q: Some of my fondest memories of Dad are centered around his passion for family history work. We would take a weekend, just he and I, to go on a genealogical expedition. When I was a junior in high school we went hiking up in New Hampshire, visited Dartmouth College campus and then spent a few hours at the town hall searching through records trying to track down some information on one of our ancestors. Another time we were hoofing it through a cemetery up in Maine looking for the tombstone of Gershom Mann, another ancestor. Dad is passionate about genealogy, with volumes of pedigree charts that he has researched and compiled, tracing his family lineage back to the Mayflower and beyond!

M: Dad also enjoyed (and still enjoys) hiking, which we did a fair share of growing up. I must have been only in elementary school when I did a 15-mile hike with him and my brother for my brother's Boy Scout merit badge. It was a great introduction to camping and the great outdoors. Hiking has now turned into one of my favorite pastimes, too.

Hiking in the beautiful Rocky Mountains.

D: One thing is for sure - you can always count on Dad!

Q: We were incredibly lucky to have had his love, support and influence in our lives. While we focus a lot on our Japanese heritage, we are just as impacted by and grateful for our New England Yankee spirit that we've inherited from him. We love you, Daddy. Have a wonderful Father's Day!

Trialogue: Co-Sleeping

Q: It never occured to me that there was an alternative to babies sleeping in cribs until I went to visit my friend Noriko in Japan after she had given birth to her first son.  She slept with him Japanese-style on a futon on the straw mat floor.  My first concern: Aren't you afraid you'll roll over onto him?  She kind of laughed at this and shrugged her shoulders.  "Oh well!" she joked.  I later learned that it is very common in Japan (and many other eastern cultures) to co-sleep, and I remembered that my cousins had all slept with their parents as babies, and some into the elementary school years.

I was re-introduced to the concept of co-sleeping, or bed-sharing, when I met my friend Ginger.  She practiced what she called a "family bed" where everyone slept together in the same room, if not the same giant bed.  It seemed so cozy and nurturing and when I expressed my concerns, she responded with thoughtful, fact-based answers: co-sleeping promotes breastfeeding and bonding with a newborn and is actually SAFER than putting your baby in a crib.  Some excellent and more in-depth articles about this subject can be found here and here.

As I did more research in preparation for becoming a parent, I realized that my own comfort and personal philosophies aligned with the Attachment Parenting method, which espouses co-sleeping.  When Mayumi was born we slept Japanese-style on the floor with her in bed with us.  It made those night-time nursing sessions a breeze and I never really felt sleep-deprived.  Mayumi is two and half and continues to sleep in our bed, which is exactly where we want her to be.

D: So the big elephant in the room: what about sex?

Q: Oh please. Where there is a will there is a way.  First of all, the girl is usually asleep by 8:30pm.  We can make love anywhere we want in the house, though we've certainly done it in the very same bed where she is sleeping and she has NEVER woken up.  And if she did, we're not really worried about it.  We're a pretty affectionate and open family (she bathes with us and dresses with us, but that is a subject for a different post), so I don't think she'd be too shocked and disturbed, if at all.

M: The closest we ever got to co-sleeping was having a bassinet next to our bed. I thought it was a great idea because I figured I could keep an eye on baby and not wonder if she was breathing or not, and have her at arm's reach for those late-night feeding sessions. What I didn't factor in was how much noise babies make! I awoke at every movement, every sigh and coo. Plus, the genius of having her close by so I wouldn't have to get out of bed wasn't a reality; I was getting up to change her diaper anyway before feeding in order to wake her up (especially as a newborn) and keep her clean. So after two weeks, I moved Olive into a crib in her own bedroom. Hubby and I both slept better and now enjoy having our bed and our bedroom to ourselves.

D: I'm with M for the most part on this topic but there are times when I make an exception. Lucy stayed in our room for the first 3 weeks post-partum, and then we moved her into her own room. I was mostly too scared to have her sleep with us because I was afraid that we would smother her or hit her. I think that there was one time that I slept with her because she had a little fever and we did skin-to-skin but it wasn't for the whole night and I made my husband sleep on the couch so that I would have plenty of room for with her - she slept on my chest but I didn't sleep much. She started to sleep through the night around 6 weeks and after that, I didn't see the point in sleeping with her if she was sleeping so well on her own and I was getting better rest and sleeping with my husband. Like M, all the baby noise kept me up.

However, we have a spare bed in her bedroom and when she is sick or teething or just "off" for whatever reason and wakes up in the night, I often sleep in the spare bed with her as I nurse in the side-lying position. I don't get the best quality of sleep and I miss my husband but if it is just every once in a while, it's not so bad. It's easier than frequently getting out of bed. The only other time I have co-slept that I actually enjoyed was in Japan when Lucy was about 5 months old - we slept on futons on the floor and she was a little messed up from the time difference (and we were too) but she slept beautifully there with us and I didn't have to worry about her falling off the bed.

Q: It is definitely a personal decision and of course, you have to find what works best for you and your family.  One of my biggest frustrations, though, is when people are judgmental about it or when states like New York initiate campaigns against co-sleeping based on faulty information and ignorant assumptions.  The truth is, there is no inherently safe place for a baby to sleep.  There are so many factors you need to consider when making this decision, including breastfeeding needs, quality of sleep for mother and baby, and basic safety.  In my case, there are few things sweeter than witnessing my baby sleep - sometimes she softly giggles and smiles in her sleep and it makes my heart soar. I love falling asleep to the gentle cadence of her breathing and her warm little body snuggled against mine.  I feel like she is safest is there.

Trialogue: In Honor of Mother

Q: We are enormous fans of our mother. She is a figure that looms large in our collective psyche - the embodiment of all things good and comforting. She prepared our meals, sewed our clothes, gardened our vegetables and flowers, and kept an immaculately clean house. But she was never inaccessible - she was humble and ever-present. Like all good mothers, she was (and is) the heart of our family.

M: And isn't she a hot mama?! She's going to kill us for posting these pictures of her. Growing up, and even sometimes still, Wabisabi Mom would cover her face so it couldn't be photographed. Confusing, because we always knew she was so beautiful. And though it's cliche, she is beautiful on both the outside and the inside. I have never known someone who was so giving. I can't count how many times she made meals for people when they were struggling--physically, emotionally or financially. She labored many long hours in her garden only to give away most of her crop. She instilled gratitude in us kids as we constantly saw her writing notes of thanks and appreciation to those who had showed her kindness. But most of all, she was a good mother to her four children.

When I was young, I remember my mother sometimes losing her temper (understandable and expected with four rambunctious children totaling only seven years apart). But as I grew older, my mother must have matured as well. Somehow she developed infinite patience with us and gracefully handled our various stages, from hyper kid to snotty adolescent to defiant teen. Oh, that I could raise my children with the same forbearance!

D: I'm not sure when the realization hit me that my mom was totally awesome. It must have been very gradual but I think that ever since I left home for college, when I was homesick or physically sick or lonely or sad for whatever reason, it was always my mother I craved. I think that we take for granted our family and especially our mothers until we are on our own. I definitely agree with Q that she was/is the embodiment of all things comforting and good and, as the baby of the family, the yearning for her in tough times was pretty strong. We Wabisabi sisters may somewhat romanticize her role in our family but the adoration is well deserved. If I can have but a smidgen of my mother's work ethic, patience, thoughtfulness, and devotion, I would consider myself a successful wife and mother. She is the quintessence of Wabisabi and I couldn't have asked for a better example to strive for.

Budgeting: a Tri-alogue

MamaM: Now that your credit card bills are coming due, some of you may be realizing that Santa was a little too generous last Christmas. It's hard not to spend money on gifts for others, as that is how many of us have been accustomed to expressing our love and care for others.

MamaD: But even without holiday spending, it's hard to stick to a budget.

MamaQ: Which is why we're going to share some ideas on what works--and doesn't work--for us.

MamaM: Me first. Hubby and I go with the philosophy of putting aside a certain amount of savings every pay check and then pretty much just blowing the rest. It's not ideal. I wish I could stick to spending only a certain amount in certain categories, but something ALWAYS comes up that throws that off track: gifts for weddings or showers, extra grocery spending for a dinner or special event, vacations, car care, medical emergency or, hey, that really, really good sale at the mall you just can't pass up. So we have figured out what we typically spend for normal monthly expenses, left some extra for those unexpected expenses, then put the rest in savings. Only we do the savings first so we're sure that gets put away. Everything else goes on the credit card because we like to get the rewards points.

What has thrown a wrench into this plan is that I'm now on maternity leave and will be going back to my job as a bank PR manager only part-time. Time to re-do the budget. We're currently renegotiating some of our insurance expenses, changing savings allocations and trying to figure out how to not spend so much on groceries!

MamaD: The problem with those unexpected expenses is that they can take you over your budget and with a credit card balance remaining at the end of the month. My husband and I have found having little escrow accounts has been very useful. What was killing us with our budget were the variable expenses that MamaM mentioned that only came up occasionally like car and home repairs or the gifts for weddings or baby showers that come up suddenly. So we set up separate savings accounts for all those things ,which in our case was a car fund, house fund, gifts fund, and travel fund. Eventually, I would like another little account for my shopping excursions for clothing and shoes (but only if the items are on a really good sale, of course).

Before I quit my job to stay home with Lucy, we padded each account with an initial investment to get it started and now direct deposit a set amount into each account every month. When an unexpected expense comes up, we just charge it to our credit card and then reimburse the cost each month from our escrow accounts. It's not a perfect system but it has worked a lot better than what we were doing before (read: trying not to spend any money). I hate cash and debit and only use credit but it's essential we pay it off each month. If there is a remaining balance and we get a finance charge one month, we do a spending moratorium on non-essential items like going out to eat or entertainment until things are paid off and padded a bit. And then we like to use our credit card rewards for paying for Christmas gifts at the end of the year. And of course, we direct deposit money into hubby's 401K, his IRA, my IRA, and our short-term savings account as well.

MamaQ: My philosophy is to marry rich so you just don't have to worry about money at all...

MamaM: I have friends who use the cash envelope method. They carry around one of those small multi-pocketed plastic files and label them by category, such as "groceries," "eating out," "gas" and "clothing." They then allocate a certain amount of cash to each pocket and once it's gone, it's gone. It really works for them --- but for me, cash is a pain. Debit cards are tricky, too, because sometimes money is tight and with two cardholders (husband and me) debiting from the same checking account, overdrafts may occur and reconciling becomes a bit more difficult. I suppose a good solution would be to learn how to communicate with each other better...

MamaD: I feel the exact same way about debit purchases. Spending feels a bit like a juggling act for me because it comes in spurts and doesn't always match when the paychecks come in. But as long as we are not carrying a balance on our credit card, I feel fine. The only problem is the few times we have had a balance on our credit card, we have dipped into savings to prevent the finance charge. But we continue our "spending" moratorium until we reimburse whatever we took out of savings. Or in theory, that is what we try to do...it doesn't always happen that way.

MamaQ: I was just kidding about the "marry a rich guy" scheme (obviously). I pretty much charge everything to my credit card and then meticulously go through all my expenditures at the end of the month.

I know exactly how much I spent on gas, on groceries, on utilities, on entertainment, etc. If I see that we've exceeded our income or spent more than an imaginary allotment I have for each category, I make a mental note to curtail spending the next month. Not very scientific I suppose, and it requires that you have a bit of a nest-egg savings to dip into occasionally, but the truth is, this system has worked really well for us and we've been able to spend responsibly, contribute towards retirement and college savings plan, save some dough on the side, and occasionally indulge. My real philosophy is "work hard, spend responsibly, and don't be greedy." Inspiring, right?

MamaD: I think that the "don't be greedy" part is key. I am constantly trying to re-evaluate my needs versus my wants versus plain wasting of money. And of course, this varies from person to person and it's hard not to judge the person who spends their money differently than you do. So a take-home message along with all of this is don't judge your brother-in-law who spends a large portion of his money on videogames when he might think that you are equally ridiculous for spending what you do on clothes and shoes...

We'd love to hear your thoughts on what budgeting methods work for you.

Resolutions

MamaQ: I have mixed feelings about new year's resolutions.

MamaM: I don't. I think they're kind of ridiculous. I mean, goals and resolutions are wonderful, but should not be put off until Jan. 1.

MamaQ: Harsh! I think resolutions are somewhat different than goals.  Goals seem more like action items to be checked off a list, e.g., working out, knitting a sweater, maintaining a blog, getting certified to teach yoga (all goals I have for this year). But a resolution, to me, indicates a change in attitude and behavior. My resolution this year is to internalize and embody the advice of Mother Teresa.  This has become my mantra:

Spread love everywhere you go;

First of all, in your own house.

Give love to your children,

to your wife or husband,

to a next-door neighbor...

Let no one ever come to you

without leaving better and happier.

Be the living expression of God's kindness:

kindness in your face

kindness in your eyes

kindness in your smile

kindness in your warm greeting.

Mama M: I have to admit I've been a little lackluster about setting goals in my life as of late, as all of my energies have been focused on this little human growing in my belly. I've continued working out through my pregnancy (goal #1), which I hope helps me achieve a natural, unmedicated birth (goal #2). Once the little aka-chan is here, my number one goal is keeping her safe and healthy while attempting to take care of myself, which means getting back into a sleeping, exercise and work routine. I think those are plenty of goals for now. Mama D?

MamaD: This all makes me think of this broadcast that I heard on NPR's Science Friday about making resolutions stick. It was a really fascinating broadcast. The things that stuck out to me are what it actually takes to achieve your goals. I think it definitely helps to specifically define your goals instead of making vague resolutions. So instead of saying, "I'm going to be healthier this year," you should probably say something like, "I'm going to be healthier this year by exercising three times a week for at least 30 minutes." And of course, the resolution needs to be realistic and attainable.

I have to say, I like the idea of New Year's resolutions because it gives you this clean plate to start off with. But of course, like M alluded to, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be setting goals throughout the year or quit if you fall off the wagon. Sometimes, you just need to re-evaluate your resolution if it's not working out and refine it.

I've already started on my resolution, which is probably what a lot of other people resolve to do. I wanted to start exercising again, which I hadn't done regularly since little Lucy was born last year. So after Thanksgiving, I did some research on the gyms around my house and got a membership. There has been a little bit of trial and error in trying to figure out how to work it all out but I think in the beginning, persistence is key.

MamaQ: I've made up my mind; I think the start of a new year is an excellent time to re-evaluate your life and institute some positive change.  I'd like to hear what everyone else is thinking about this. 

welcome to our little experiment

MamaQ: As if there aren't already enough mommy blogs out there, here we are throwing another one out into the mix.

MamaD: But ours is a little bit different.  Not only do we provide a forum for ourselves and other moms to share tips and anecdotes that highlight the simple pleasures of life, but we encourage them to embrace its imperfections.

MamaM: With a bit of a Japanese slant.  Wait, that sounds bad...

MamaQ:  Maybe we should help our friends understand what wabi sabi is all about.

MamaM: “Wabi” stems from the root “wa,” which refers to harmony, peace, tranquility and balance. A wabi person is content with very little; free from greed, indolence, and anger; understands the wisdom in simple things; celebrates the anomalies that make things unique; and eludes an understated elegance. “Sabi” means “the bloom of time.” It connotes natural progression and the beauty that comes with aging. Sabi is the wisdom, grace and serenity that are a result of transience.

MamaD:  Which all sounds really serious, but really, we are all about having a sense of humor about it.

MamaQ: Very important when you're a mom and your baby has just wet her pants and is screaming while the pasta is boiling over on the stove, the oven timer is beeping, the phone is ringing and you're up to your elbows in bread dough.  Breathe.  And then laugh at the surrealness that has become your reality. 

MamaM:  So, welcome.  We're happy you're here.  Leave a comment to let us know what you think and share the wabi sabi moments in your life.