what's my favorite word?

"Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt" me is not really true is it? Words, like thoughts, are powerful things. Though I'm not very good with them (open mouth, insert foot) I like words. I like reading, writing, singing, talking, praying...

PapaQ likes to use positive words and phrases for his internet passwords. He figures that since he has to type them on a regular basis, he wants them to be uplifting reminders to help him get through his day. You know, because words shape your thoughts and attitudes.

The words you keep in your mind can reflect on the kind of person you are, don't you think? My dad sent me an article in Japan Today about a survey asking people in Japan what their favorite word is. Here are the top 10 results, complete with their English counterparts:

1. ありがとう arigato - thank you 

2. 努力 doryoku - exertion/great effort

3. 愛 ai - love 

4. 思いやり omoiyari - consideration

5. 前向き maemuki - looking forward

6. 一期一会 ichigo ichie - once in a lifetime opportunity 

7. 笑い・笑顔 warai/egao - laugh/smiling face

8. 健康 kenko - health

9. 平和 heiwa - peace 

10. なんとかなる nantoka ni naru - ”We’ll get by some way or other.” 

Isn't that amazing? I'm a big believer in our own power to shape our environment; being proactive as opposed to reactive. On gloomy, overcast days I remind myself that I can make my own sunshine. When the news is depressing (and it always is, isn't it?) I focus on trying to make my one little corner of the world a better place. And my favorite word in the English language? "Mama", preferably spoken by one of my sweet littles.

I'm tempted to apologize for my saccharine-ness, but since when should people be sorry for being positive? Life's too short to complain and hide under a rock, right? 

What's your favorite word?

busy-ness and the space between

It's been a few days since I've been able to be in this blogging space and I've missed it. I can hardly believe it is February already (Happy Groundhog Day!). Sometimes during the day or as I drift off to sleep at night I find myself composing posts in my head. Most of them never see the light of day. I don't know why sometimes it can seem so difficult to make the time to write things down. You know how an  entire day can pass and the only thing I've done is breastfeed, change diapers, and make dinner? Busy isn't quite the right word, but speaking of busy...

I recently read a post on my friend's blog about banishing the word "busy" from one's vocabulary. She cites a couple of different eye-opening articles (here and here), which I read and have been thinking about ever since (after all this is my year to be more thoughtful). I was struck by how obnoxious it is to comment to everyone about how busy I am, followed by a listing all the different activities and commitments I have (which aren't even that many, let's be honest. I'm just a poor time manager). Blech. Everyone is busy, just like every one breathes and eats. Everyone always has something that needs to be checked off the list, something that needs tending to, fires that need to be extinguished. So why continuously point it out and compete with each other about it?

Enough of that already.

A few years ago during a koto lesson, my sensei was trying to articulate to me the difference between Japanese and Chinese styles of playing. She pointed out that the Chinese style was very complex and full. By comparison, the Japanese style seemed simpler and... more sparse. She explained that the music wasn't just about the notes, but about the space between. The Japanese call this kongoseki and it is not unlike the artistic principle of negative space. It's that space that brings the note (or the image) into sharper focus, giving it more meaning and value. Like the pause between the inhale and the exhale, it's not rushed or crowded. It is deliberate and confident, strong and supportive. It is the opposite of busy.

Isn't that a refreshing idea? Rather than competing with everyone for the more busy (therefore important?) lifestyle, why not focus on a few things and really take the time to enjoy them? To allow ourselves moments of peace and pleasure in between the responsibilities and tasks, without feeling guilty about it. Yes please... but is it possible? That was one of the reasons for starting this little blog in the first place - to chronicle our attempts at trying to live a Wabi Sabi life - being mindful and present in the space between. Sometimes that means not being able to blog for a few days or weeks or months even... and I suppose that's okay (so forgive us if our posts are somewhat inconsistent).

Just some thoughts. What do you think?

back on the mat

For Christmas PapaQ got me a ten pass to a local yoga studio. I've neglected my yoga practice for months now - I simple couldn't do it during the last half of my pregnancy and for the past three months I just haven't had the chance to get back into it. The truth is, I'd been avoiding it. I think I've been scared to step back on to the mat... scared of what my body would or wouldn't do, how it would feel, how I might "fail" to focus, hold a certain asana or open myself up in meditation.

But I went yesterday. I registered for a spot in a gentle yoga class. And yes, I was scared. But it also felt familiar and reassuringly comfortable to be in that sacred space. I liked the teacher; she expertly led us through the sequences and made adjustments to my body when it needed it. I was pleasantly surprised by how my body recognized the postures and flowed through them. I acknowledge that it will be a while before I have my strength and flexibility back, before my mind is able to be still in meditation, but it feels so good to return to this and to feel welcomed back; it's like coming home.

No doubt it will be challenging to fit in a regular yoga practice (or ANYTHING practice!) during this time and I think that is okay. I love this baby stage and I know it will go by quickly... too quickly. I'm determined to enjoy it and take my time with these little people. A regular yoga practice may be a while yet, but I'll take what I can get!

adoration

Can it be three months already? Three months since these wee ones came into this world?

Oh, the little fireworks that explode in my heart when they smile and gaze adoringly at their mama. Their coos and gurgles are endless entertainment. And how I love it when they're fingers curl around mine or they grasp onto my shirt while we nurse. Their subdued pleasure in the bath, the sound of their gulping when they drink... all these little moments that fill up my days.

Oh yes, there is also the fussing, the frequent feeding, the need to be held constantly, the difficulty in taking them both out to run errands. Two is definitely double trouble.

But I'll try to focus on the double pleasure for now. Oh little Benjamin and Corrigan, how I adore you.

Babies don't keep

by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

Song for a Fifth Child.

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,

Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,

Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?

She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,

Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due

Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping's not done

and there's nothing for stew

And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo

But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo

Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?

Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow

But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

new year's resolutions

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

There is something about the arrival of a new year that stirs something within me. I appreciate the opportunity to reflect back on the waning year and make goals for the new one. I like that sense of hope and renewal - the excitement and determination to be a better person.

While reading Cinderella Ate My Daughter a few months ago, I was struck by a passage about new year's resolutions. The author, Peggy Orenstein, compares the goals of a modern-day girl and a young woman from the 19th century. The contemporary girl resolved: "I will try to make myself better in any way I possibly can... I will lose weight, get new lenses, already got new haircut, good makeup, new clothes and accessories." The young woman of lore wrote: "Resolved: to think before speaking. To work seriously. To be self-restrained in conversations and actions. Not to let my thoughts wander. To be dignified. Interest myself more in others." Orenstein comments: "... though the 19th century girl may have lived in a more repressive ere - before women could vote, when girls' sights were set solely on marriage and motherhood - her sense of self-worth was enviably internal, a matter of deeds over dress. Whatever other constraints she felt, her femininity was not defined by the pursuit of physical perfection; it was about character."

Though I definitely desire to improve in some external areas (a haircut is a must in the next few weeks and I really need to start working out again!) I am inspired by the old-timey girl's self-awareness and internal sense of self worth. Thinking before speaking and practicing more self-restraint are good goals for me. And being dignified? In this age of Twitter and Facebook and tell-all blogs and TV shows, that seems to be a forgotten value. I would like to be more dignified...

A few years ago I tried assigning a theme for the year... in 2011 I vowed to seek more tranquility in my life. Alas, in 2012 I was really just trying to get by, so there was no true resolution set beyond survival. IVF cycles, an uncomfortable pregnancy followed by the birth and care of twin boys chased all bits of tranquility away. There are so many areas of my life where I seek improvement, but I this year I want to follow in the steps of that young girl from the 1800's and cultivate more thoughtfulness in my actions. This takes on as plethora of other habits and values needed to reinforce that goal.

How does one become more thoughtful? For me this means:
- truly listening to other people when they speak (and remembering what they say) rather than waiting for the opportunity to say what I want to say. This will require thinking before speaking, so that my words are not used to grab attention, but to convey meaning and uplift others.
- performing acts of kindness and service, no matter how small, that are personal and meaningful to those around me. This will require cultivating intuition so that I can find the inspiration to serve. I think intuition is honed through prayer, scripture study, meditation and healthful living (getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising..). When my body and spirit are in tune with each other, there is clarity in the mind. Oh my, this will be a challenge for the spacey girl that I can be!
- being aware of the world around me, focusing on the present moment rather than constantly making plans for the future.
- sharpening my mind and learning new things. Reading good books, watching good films, interacting with good people...

I'm resurrecting my mantras from these quotes:

To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with an open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden, and unconscious grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony.

~William Ellery Channing

(posted about this here)

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

(posted about this here)

Indeed, it is a bit ambitious, but shouldn't new year's resolutions be lofty and inspiring? I'm pumped! I'm ready to do some personal improvements! 2013 is going to be a good year!

Source: thefirstgradeparade.blogspot.com via Miranda on Pinterest

peace on earth?

I don't even know if I have the words.

Sometimes I operate in a bubble of non-awareness, ignorant of the goings-on around me. It wasn't until yesterday evening that I heard the news about the shootings in Connecticut. Since then I've read little snippets here and there, but I haven't had the courage to turn on the TV.

My daughter is kindergarten age. If I think about it too much I can't breathe.

Like everyone else I am so very sad. And angry. And bewildered. I know that it is possible to find peace amidst the tragic.

But it seems right to be sad right now. To ache a bit. To mourn with those that mourn. And hopefully we will all eventually find the peace we seek, after we are worn out from the tears.

in utero

This photo was taken about two months ago (!) but now I'm a bit bigger (27 weeks!). For the most part things have gone well, but carrying twins has been quite different from carrying a singleton. Of course, the same concerns and hopes and preparations arise: will they be healthy? What will they look like? What will they be like? As I lay in bed (more and more often these days) I feel them wiggling and squirming around, which never fails to fill me with wonder and comfort. The few newborn clothes we have all been washed and folded and stored in the bureau, awaiting their chance to cover those darling newborn limbs. Possible names are added to our respective lists (PapaQ, Mayumi and I all have separate ones because we can't agree on any).
Not everything has been sweet and easy, though. There have been a few emergency room visits due to bleeding and a diagnosis of placenta previa... which isn't an especially big deal but puts my hopes for a natural vaginal delivery on the Unlikely-to-Happen checklist. Periods of modified bedrest have been prescribed, as well as pelvic rest. The list of things that can go wrong with a multiples pregnancy insidiously finds its way into my thoughts now and then.
But I can't really complain because the fact that I am pregnant at all is a bit of a miracle. New life always is, I suppose. And like their big sister, Maya, these two boys are going to teach me so many things and rock my world in more ways than one. It may feel like there is a party going on in there now, but I know I haven't seen anything yet!

we are family

It's good to be reminded of one's roots.

Family kind of does that, right?

Every year we gather at the same camp in Maine and eat the same foods, swim in the same lake, and play the same games.

In some ways we find we, too, are the same but in other ways we find we have changed since the last time we gathered. Some have new jobs, new babies, new homes. Some are going through new challenges like illness, aging, loss. Some are no longer with us.

But we find we are all connected through these strange family ties. We remind each other of our shared history and heritage. We reconnect and remember why we do this every year.

It's kind of amazing. This thing called family.

Grampa and his six siblings, circa 1988. 

perched in my soul...

     

Hope is the thing with feathers 

That perches in the soul, 

And sings the tune--without the words, 

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard; 

And sore must be the storm 

That could abash the little bird 

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land, 

And on the strangest sea; 

Yet, never, in extremity, 

It asked a crumb of me.

~Emily Dickinson

It's hard not feel that resurgence of hope as things start to wake up from their winter's sleep. Though the winter was mild, it still left the earth brown and barren here. But little by little we see what Maya excitedly calls "signs of spring!" I also feel similar stirrings within me - desires to learn and grow and nurture and overcome some things that have been weighing me down. It's amazing to see these delicate snowdrops insistently pushing upwards towards the sun. So fragile, and yet they withstand such frosty weather. They are intrepid, daring to be the harbingers of the new season. 

Oh, the hope swells within!

Meditation: Facing Fear

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.  You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

 ~Eleanor Roosevelt

I can do this... (again!)

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Don't forget to enter our June giveaway for a gorgeous art print from Pinceau-Magique. Leave a comment on the post by June 8!

Meditation: Ambiguity

I wanted a perfect ending.

Now I've learned, the hard way,

that some poems don't rhyme,

and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.

Life is about not knowing, having to change,

...taking the moment and making the best of it,

without knowing what's going to happen next.

Delicious Ambiguity.

~Gilda Radner

Do you ever find that the hardest part is simply NOT knowing? Through all of our fertility struggles I've always felt that I could bear anything with patience if I just knew what the outcome would be. If I had known it would take three rounds of IVF before we conceived Mayumi, I think I could have endured those horrible treatments with a little more grace. It always seemed to be the unknown... the fear that I may have to go through the process indefinitely, never knowing how the story ended, lost in IVF limbo. But then we got our little sweet pea and everything seemed worth it.

I am trying to remember that as we continue through this process yet again. I am trying to banish fear. I am trying to live with courage in the middle of the story and have faith that there will be a happy ending. Or at least some closure. And I am trying to remember to count my blessings and be grateful for what I do have - and try to find something to appreciate about this journey...

Mayumi's in Mama's belly, back in 2007. Keep fingers crossed that we get another one of these happy ultrasounds!

Meditation: Character

The other day while we were waiting on the metro platform I heard a boy (he was probably 10 or 11) say, "That's retarded. She looks like Alfalfa!" His friend nudged him and said, "Shut up!" and then I realized with horror that the boy was referring to my daughter, who was sitting happily in her stroller with two unruly braids sticking out of her head, looking very much like she could be one of the Little Rascals.

I was absolutely shocked for a moment. It never occurred to me that while I will always think the world revolves around my little girl, not everyone else thinks that way. I have only ever heard people praise her - this was the first time I ever heard anything negative directed towards her. I had a sickening realization that there will be people in her life who not only won't have a high opinion of her, but will criticize her and hurt her feelings. My instinct was to try to protect Mayumi from ever having to face that. I affirmed that this was one reason why I plan to homeschool. I began to devise ways that I could keep her unscathed from such callous comments. And then I remembered this quote:

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

~Martin Luther King, Jr

A few months ago I had an epiphany that has changed the way I pray for my daughter. I used to pray that she would be protected from all harm and pain and trials. I put a lot of psychological effort into shielding her and trying to make her life smooth and easy. But at some point I realized that a cushy, pampered, tribulation-free life would not be in her best interest. So I modified my prayers to ask God to give her grace, courage and wisdom to overcome whatever trials may come her way, and to help me give her the tools she'll need to be a woman of character and strength. It has been a shift that made all the difference in how I approach parenting and even my own struggles.

I still think that boy on the Metro platform was an idiot with bad manners. I still want to protect Mayumi from boneheads like that. But the truth is, the world is full of them. So instead of retorting something like, "Retarded, huh? She is the sweetest, brightest, cutest, most wonderful creature that has ever walked the planet!" I turned to the boy and I stared straight into his eyes to let him know I had heard what he said. I could see that he was embarrassed and uncomfortable and that was enough for me. I then bent down to hug my little girl and the sound of her laughter echoed through the station.

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

~ Helen Keller

Meditation: Plans!

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

~Mary Oliver

I saw this quote on the top of the Ink Stains blog and it resonated... on the eve of my birthday I'm pondering my existence.

 
Life really is fleeting - you never know what day will be your last. I want to fill my days with special moments of connection, with creative bursts of energy, with music, with dancing. I recognize that there are so many things that I love to do (like reading and watching movies, knitting and sewing, playing the koto or performing in a play, and even blogging) that ultimately won't be my crowning glory. I can't imagine I'll be on my deathbed looking back and thinking, "I'm so glad I read The Help and wrote that post on planning what to do with my life..."

And yet, those little things are part of what makes my life so fulfilling. The past thirty three years have been pretty good. I think I've had a pretty solid plan from the start, but it continues to be modified. And while my current plan is to strive to live in the moment, take time to smell the roses (and help them grow), help a person in need, find peace and tranquility, laugh a lot, expand myself, and most importantly, enjoy every precious second with the people I love - I'm also going to continue to enjoy those less-important moments and simple pleasures like working with a really fine wool, sewing up a cute little dress for a niece, and refining my writing and communication skills through little blog posts (but try to not let them interfere with the big stuff!). How that for ambitious? Hey, I'm thirty-four and feeling mighty fine, so why not!? Hurrah for another year!

meditation: in the moment

I want my life to be one of love, not rage

Kindness, not contempt

Joy, not suffering

I want to be alive and present in this moment,

not lost in thought and delusion.

—Zen poem

Right now I am grateful for modern conveniences, moments of solitude, warming weather, my daughter's laugh, impromptu Irish jigs, thoughtful check-ins from a good friend, and backrubs from Mr. Q. Right now things are good. I'm trying to focus on right now...

Meditation: Trails

“Every person has the power to make others happy.

Some do it simply by entering a room --

others by leaving the room.

Some individuals leave trails of gloom;

others, trails of joy.

Some leave trails of hate and bitterness;

others, trails of love and harmony.

Some leave trails of cynicism and pessimism;

others trails of faith and optimism.

Some leave trails of criticism and resignation;

others trails of gratitude and hope.

What kind of trails do you leave?”

~William Arthur Ward

Feeling grateful for the trails I walk, which are mostly paved and sweet. Those that are rough and brambly are somehow passable - I'm grateful for the strength and help to get through them. And grateful for those who have blazed trails before me... so, so, so grateful.

Meditation: Love & Light & MLK

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

~Martin Luther King, Jr.

MLK, today we honor you. Last year we went on a pilgrimage to find your influence around our city. Today, we meditate on your words, your spirit, your example, and your legacy. It has been an interesting start to the new year; there has been more gun violence on our doorstep, wars that are continuing to be fought, deepening economic woes, and lots of personal tragedies and suffering all around. Some would say that things are dark and grim, but if that is the case, only the more reason to be a light unto others, a city set on a hill. Only the more reason to set a standard of love and compassion in our families and communities! MLK, thank you for your contributions to our country and to the world.

Today is a national day of service. What are you doing to honor the spirit of MLK?

Meditation: Grieving

Every great loss demands that we choose life again. We need to grieve in order to do this. The pain we have not grieved over will always stand between us and life. When we don't grieve, a part of us becomes caught in the past like Lot's wife who, because she looked back, was turned into a pillar of salt. Grieving is not about forgetting. Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain. It is a sorting process. One by one you let go of the things that are gone and you mourn for them. One by one you take hold of the things that have become a part of who you are and build again.

~ Rachel Naomi Remen

When our spirit tells us it is time to weep, we should weep. It is part of the ritual, if you will, of putting sadness in perspective and gaining control of the situation. . . . Grief has a purpose. Grieving does not mean you are weak. It is the first step toward regaining balance and strength. Grieving is part of the tempering process.

~ Joseph M. Marshall III

I've been thinking a lot about MamaD. For those who don't know, she lost her sweet mother-in-law to cancer last week.

My heart aches for PapaD and for little Lucy who won't have the benefit of growing up under her grandmother's influence. It's hard to find the right words to express my synpathy, to offer condolence. Losing a loved one is such a difficult thing to understand. My friend, Suzanne, recently lost her father and she is clearly still grieving and coming to terms with his death. She shared a profound thought a few weeks ago that has given her a little comfort and also shed some light on some of my own personal struggles: "it takes great faith to move mountains, but sometimes it takes greater faith to accept that the mountain will not move." We pray for miracles but sometimes those miracles don't come and we are left to make sense of it all. Passing through sorrow is inevitable and I suppose ultimately strengthens us in the end and makes the sweet moments in life all the sweeter. But for now it is okay to cry. To grieve.

I will cry with you.

Year of Tranquility

Go easy. You may have to push forward, but you don't have to push so hard. Go in gentleness, go in peace.

~Melody Beattie

I have been pondering much on the subject of peace and mindfulness. I feel like I am always rushing, trying to be as productive and busy as I can be. I'm always saying to Mayumi, "Hurry!" and I have come to the conclusion that it is bad parenting and all-around bad living. As I re-examine my life and think about resolutions for this new year, I realize I really want zen. I want my home to be a haven and my life to be a reflection of peace. 

My friend, Teabelly, likes to start every January off with a theme that she centers her year around (this year is her year of LOVE). In that inspirational spirit, I am announcing 2011 to be a year of tranquility for me. I am going to put more effort into being mindful of all my actions, taking time to truly listen to and play with my daughter, practicing compassion in all of my relationships (especially with myself), avoiding over-scheduling and rushing around, and embracing the wabisabi moments that make up my days. I have already banished the word "hurry" from my vocabulary and I am shocked at the difference it has made in the atmosphere of my home and in my interactions with the people around me.

My mantra:

To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with an open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden, and unconscious grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony.

~William Ellery Channing

Let me know what your resolutions are, dear reader, and also be a good friend and remind me when I am exhibiting signs of pushing too hard. A gentle reminder here and there will always be much appreciated.

Meditation: You are My (He)Art

In your light I learn how to love.

In your beauty, how to make poems.

You dance inside my chest, where no one sees you,

But sometimes I do, and that sight becomes this art.

~Rumi

Meditation: Gratitude II

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

~Melody Beattie

One can never have too many reminders about how gratitude enriches life.  I'm hoping to keep this warm feeling of contentment and thankfulness and we move into this busy holiday season...

Today I am grateful for:

the generosity of friends
the kindness of strangers
the support of my family
the wonder and adoration in my daughter's eyes...

Thank you, thank you, thank you!