Thursday, February 11, 2010

A Little Heartache

Many of you know that it took Mr. Q and I seven years of "trying" to finally conceive Mayumi.  After a battery of tests and treatments, I finally found out I was pregnant after our third round of In Vitro Fertilization.  Not only was there the euphoria of finally getting our baby, but after years of suffering though violently painful endometriosis I was finally pain-free!  Pregnancy (after the first trimester) was the best I had ever felt in my entire life.  No more physically painful cramping or emotionally painful longing!

Fast forward to Mayumi's second birthday.  Mr. Q and I were feeling strongly that Mayumi needs a sibling, and knowing that we had difficulties the first time around we figured we needed to avoid putting off trying for Number Two.  But that would mean I would need to be "ready" (AKA ovulating), which I hadn't been since before we conceived Mayumi.

A little back story: Mayumi and I LOVE breastfeeding.  She got it right away and it has been a trememdous bonding, calming, loving experience for both of us.  She's an on-demand nurser and it was a daunting idea to begin the weaning process.  In practice it has been a tremendous challenge.  I knew that the night feedings had the most impact on my ovulation, so we tackled that first.  After a few weeks were finally able to adhere to the rule of "No opai (breast) after dark" though during daylight hours it's fair game.  Almost immediately my period returned after a three year hiatus! 

It's been four months and still no luck getting pregnant on our own. I've been having acupuncture monthly and maintaining my healthy lifestyle and doing everything I can to make my body work for me.  Still, no baby. Almost as bad, the pain has returned and I find myself writhing in bed at night, riddled with cramping. 

We have an appointment with our fertility doctor next week.  I both look forward to it and dread it - I suspect he will demand that I wean Mayumi entirely since my body is so sensitive to hormonal fluctuations.  I think it will break her heart, which breaks mine.  But the ol' biological clock is ticking and the blessing of having a sibling is greater than a little opai comfort, no?  And it would be nice to get rid of this pain, too.  My body seems to think its natural state is pregnant or breastfeeding - that is when it is happiest! 

I share this little bit of heartache not because I want your pity (please no!) but because I think too often these things aren't talked about and are relegated to some sort of whispered "Women's Problems" status.  Bah!  This Wabisabi Mama understands that this constitutes a legitimate part of motherhood and life in general - so I'm throwing it out there.  Women with endo, hide no more!  Fertility issues?  No shame in that!  Breastfeeding?  Pop 'em out girls!  Maybe by sharing our stories it will make them a little less painful and burdensome to bear.

Thanks for listening.


MamaM said...

Definitely worth it to wean so you can hopefully give Olive another cousin! Maya will get over it. Maybe you can implement some sort of reward system for her to help with the process?

Ye Stewart Clan said...

This is probably my most favorite post ever. We experience so much as women and a lot of it is never spoken. Thank you for your sincere self disclosure.