Many of you know that it took Mr. Q and I seven years of "trying" to finally conceive Mayumi. After a battery of tests and treatments, I finally found out I was pregnant after our third round of In Vitro Fertilization. Not only was there the euphoria of finally getting our baby, but after years of suffering though violently painful endometriosis I was finally pain-free! Pregnancy (after the first trimester) was the best I had ever felt in my entire life. No more physically painful cramping or emotionally painful longing!
Fast forward to Mayumi's second birthday. Mr. Q and I were feeling strongly that Mayumi needs a sibling, and knowing that we had difficulties the first time around we figured we needed to avoid putting off trying for Number Two. But that would mean I would need to be "ready" (AKA ovulating), which I hadn't been since before we conceived Mayumi.
A little back story: Mayumi and I LOVE breastfeeding. She got it right away and it has been a trememdous bonding, calming, loving experience for both of us. She's an on-demand nurser and it was a daunting idea to begin the weaning process. In practice it has been a tremendous challenge. I knew that the night feedings had the most impact on my ovulation, so we tackled that first. After a few weeks were finally able to adhere to the rule of "No opai (breast) after dark" though during daylight hours it's fair game. Almost immediately my period returned after a three year hiatus!
It's been four months and still no luck getting pregnant on our own. I've been having acupuncture monthly and maintaining my healthy lifestyle and doing everything I can to make my body work for me. Still, no baby. Almost as bad, the pain has returned and I find myself writhing in bed at night, riddled with cramping.
We have an appointment with our fertility doctor next week. I both look forward to it and dread it - I suspect he will demand that I wean Mayumi entirely since my body is so sensitive to hormonal fluctuations. I think it will break her heart, which breaks mine. But the ol' biological clock is ticking and the blessing of having a sibling is greater than a little opai comfort, no? And it would be nice to get rid of this pain, too. My body seems to think its natural state is pregnant or breastfeeding - that is when it is happiest!
I share this little bit of heartache not because I want your pity (please no!) but because I think too often these things aren't talked about and are relegated to some sort of whispered "Women's Problems" status. Bah! This Wabisabi Mama understands that this constitutes a legitimate part of motherhood and life in general - so I'm throwing it out there. Women with endo, hide no more! Fertility issues? No shame in that! Breastfeeding? Pop 'em out girls! Maybe by sharing our stories it will make them a little less painful and burdensome to bear.
Thanks for listening.