Saturday, April 17, 2010

3 Things: MamaD's Fears

I used to feel really together - maybe not the most organized, articulate, or ambitious person in the world but I felt like I had control. But since having a baby (even though it has already been over a year), I sometimes feel like my life has turned upside down and I'm just trying to scrape by - figuring out all over again what gives me meaning in my life and makes me happy. So on the opposite end of the spectrum, what makes me scared took a bit of thought to compile the jumbled mess in my head into some sort of competent post. But here it is:

1. Losing Lucy - Kinda encompasses a lot but included would be any type of injury to her (like MamaM, I often worry about dropping her even though she falls more than I like to admit), her being kidnapped, or having some horrible illness befall her. Yeah, all of the above and every imaginable mishap that creeps into your mind. I try not to let it cripple me, but continue living my life and let her live hers. To a lesser extent, this feeling extends to all the people that I love - husband, siblings, parents, friends - the thought of losing anyone is very painful but the realization that you just don't have control over the choices that people make and fate helps to make the acceptance of it all easier. But I think it can be hard to realize just how much you have to lose when you bring a child into the world.

2. Losing myself - or more specifically, losing my marbles. I don't know about the rest of the world out there but sometimes I feel like I am literally going crazy. And I don't know if it is/was just the hormones, PPD, or life in general. But there are times when I have to ask myself if I am still sane. Maybe this just comes with the territory of being a parent...

3. Losing control - I will admit, I can be kinda a control freak. I like order and cleanliness and organization (although my home might say otherwise) and there are times when things don't go my way that I can lash out irrationally. Sometimes it takes the form of an external outburst (like yelling at my daughter) and sometimes it is completely internal which can be just as scary because there is no outlet. Perhaps in order not to lose control, you have to let go of control a bit and just be more accepting of how the cards fall or when you it's too late to change things.

My fears are more general in nature but it can be really therapeutic to face them in such a way as naming them and writing them out and then figuring out how to overcome them. Why don't you try it?

No comments: